When I think of flying I can only think about this:
This is of course an image from Lost and is no way real.
However, that's all I can think about. Planes to me are big metal boxes of doom. Every time it bumps or rocks or shakes I instantly panic and think we're falling out of the sky. I had one flight were I dug my nails into my arms to keep calm. I came off the plane with bloody arms and some nice welts.
As you can see, it really takes the enjoyment out of having to go somewhere when I have to fly. I've cancelled trips last minute because I just couldn't bring myself to get on a plane. My fear of flying is massively intense. If we were meant to fly, we'd have wings. Really...
I'm not so bad anymore. I used to cry for weeks prior to having to get on a plane. Now, I'm down to the night or so before.
I attribute my fear of flying to a few things:
1. My first flight ever was to Japan. I don't do things small. Nope, for me they have to be on a grand scale and flying 14 hours when I've never flown before was a really dumb idea. Of course, had I flown and known how terrified I'd be, I might have never actually gone to Japan. Not only did I go but I made that horrific flight to and from Japan twice. The first time I flew I was going over for an intensive Japanese language summer program. We all went as a group and while everyone ran around having fun I sat in my chair wanting to die.
2. This brings me to point number two. Not only was I afraid on that first flight but I was REALLY sick. I get horrible motion sickness on planes. I know now to take something for it but I had no idea the first time I flew and suffered every horrible minute of the 14 hour flight. My fellow university students kept bouncing around the plane (these were the days before you had to stay seated and belted at all times) and tried to get me to join in. I wanted nothing but for them to leave me alone. They thought I was a stuck up bitch. That stigma never quite went away... it's hard to explain to someone that you feel like your brain is going to explode and your stomach turn inside our from nausea and a headache.
3. I'm claustrophobic and being on a plane heightens my anxiety and fear of being trapped. I'm okay until they close the door and then I start breathing fast. I'm trapped. I can't get out. I'm in it for the long haul. What is something goes wrong and I need medical attention? What if I just need some fresh air? I have no choice at that point. I'm stuck for the duration. I find some solace in sitting in an aisle. If I have to use the restroom I can easily get out. However, I'm flying out for a trip on Wednesday and booked my trip late. Yup, I got a window seat for both legs of my trip. I can feel my heart beating faster already. Even in a movie theater or when I was in college I had to sit by the door at the end of the aisle. I may never need to get up or to leave, but the comfort of knowing I can always relaxed me. No go on an airplane, at all, and especially a no go when I'm by a window seat.
4. I'm not in control. Yes...okay...so I have some control issues. I make a horrible passenger in the car...just ask my husband. On a plane, not only do I have zero control but I have zero idea of what's even going on. It doesn't sit well with me.
When I fly I can't eat. It sucks for short term flights too and from somewhere. It typically means no eating for an entire day. Luckily my upcoming trip is 4 days.
So... what's a gal to do? I hate flying. Love traveling. I love research. I love going new places. The "loves" far out weight the hate (although it's a really, really strong hatred). So, I fly. I swallow the terror I have and get on the big metal box of doom. I know all the statistics about how flying is safer than driving and what not, but that doesn't help. It's what folks call an "irrational fear". It doesn't make it any less real to me.
Funny how these things work out. It's kinda like someone decides to become an expert in spiders but finds out that close up spiders scare the shit out of them (well...okay, not quiet the same but close in my world). I kinda thought that the more I flew the more I'd get used to it. Nope. Nadda. Not happening. I'll probably always be terrified. I guess that's the price I pay for doing what I do.
Oh. And if you're even a tiny bit afraid of flying, it's never a good idea to look at pictures of plane crashes for your blog a few days before you're going to fly. Not one of my brighter moments... /sigh
